L.I.F.E Updates
Let me narrate my story before you.
In 2018, I fell in love with cycling. It was addictive and liberating to the extent that I thought I could conquer the world. In fact, I wanted to; I also wanted to spread my love for cycling with others- To make a difference, to change the world which was heading towards an inevitable end. #climatechange
And what did I do?
Around January 2018.. I decided to start an organization with total strangers I met while cycling. I wanted to introduce cycling to other cities, one city at a time and extend to different continents as Facebook did. Why limit your dreams, when you can complete 300 kms of cycle ride under 18 hours (Check my Strava profile for proof).
I quit my growing corporate career at Ernst and Young just months after I received a skip level promotion to focus on building a firm that focused on cycling. I sold my Happiness, my first car, a sleek-looking ray blue Baleno to fund myself and the company.
I knew that the firm I was building would not require me to spend 10 hours a day and hence I enrolled for a PG course in Mass Communication and Journalism. This was an informed decision based on career and personality test by @Arun Nair, my ex-mentor.
On April 13th, 2018, I put in my two months notice period.
On May 5th, 2018, my firm partners decided I wasn’t worth being associated with and kicked me out of the very cycling group I initiated because I ride too much and I mixed business with cycling. I differed with them on the thought that the whole point of starting a company together was business! I still haven’t gotten my answer as to why my ex-team joined me in starting the firm if a business was not their motive.
Charity and activism don’t put food on the table
The company was registered as BR7 Private Limited because there were seven partners with equal stakes, some haven’t paid the money I put in for their share.
When one of the partners kicked me out, another one of them supported the act and others kept quiet. Let me quote the reason my partner gave in the group after he kicked me out. “Sorry brothers, we are brotherhoods, no business between us, only rides. Let’s repair the damage caused by our old rider Rittu.” Damage: I was promoting the company through PR, I felt like I should have never trusted anyone.
A month went by, I pleaded with them to give me the company back and I would pay for their shares in full, they resisted stating that they would run the company.
A year later I heard they wound up the company legally. This was an end to my hopes of ever getting back the company or the time and money invested in my company and with my ex-team.
In July 2018, my Mass Communication classes started. Being a 29 year old in the midst of 22-year-olds was difficult initially but with time, I adjusted myself. This ‘kids’ would make a fuss for the easiest of assignments they received, but, I would turn up with assignments on the day it was assigned, most of them being reporting assignments. The reason being I was bored and I was gradually losing interest in extracurricular activities.
Despite the strong criticism I received for my assignments, my mental health was not wavering until August 14th, 2018.
On 15th August 2018, torrential rains flooded the entire state of Kerala, this meant I couldn’t ride neither could I venture out. During the same time my Ulcer symptoms aggravated, classes were canceled for a month, I was asked to take a second opinion and the doctor recommended I put on weight as I was starting to get underweight; I was 55 kg then.
On the recommendation of the doctor I started eating a lot but in an unhealthy manner and I also stopped cycling abruptly. I started hating cycling, every bit of it. My physical and mental health went for a toss.
I wanted to kill myself.
I searched for painless ways to die and I couldn’t find any. I shut myself in my room- I stopped talking to everyone, didn’t volunteer at any flood relief centers and withdrew from social interactions including Facebook and Instagram. The classes started again with reviews of the work we did, my work was criticized badly.
I just didn’t know why I existed; there was no purpose to it at all. I was eating, going to college and sleeping the most part of the days. A few friends would check on me but not everyone, definitely not the ones I thought I could count on.
I stopped writing, I stopped cycling and there was no meaning to life. I would only go to Wednesday rides which I started to promote cycling.
In January 2019, a 73 kg me left to Kerala Literature Fest with a lot of baggage, I was asked to write reports on the different session, I told my professor, that I can’t write. He said -Just go and write. I went and sat for a session on architecture. I listened and I wrote and gave it to the media cell. They immediately asked me to edit the rest of the copies filed by my fellow batch mates and other media volunteers. One of the senior media coordinators told me this-
“One day, you will become a good editor”
If that didn’t happen, if not for that one sentence from KLF, I would have killed myself somehow or the other. Until then, I used to feel like a liability to the world.
Summer vacations came and I enrolled for an internship with Asiaville and did okay. I re-started cycling even though I still had not regained my earlier love for cycling. I was just going for the sake of going because I was leading the Wednesday rides and the group was growing in numbers giving me hope.
I started writing more on Facebook, instant gratification worked like a charm and I started getting back on track.
Around the same time, BJP won the elections; I knew they would go on to do things democracy doesn’t require. The first shocker came when they abrogated Article 370 and imprisoned the whole state on August 5th, 2019. I had to get back on my feet and I had to come out of my pain.
The only way I saw ahead was to get back to cycling and I did.
I went for a ride to Athirapally, 150kms up and down. I found the perfect company in Ani, Swathik and Alexina who knew all that I wrote, they kept pushing me and I slowly started taking more initiatives. I did a story for The Quint, I lead a citizen lead protest near my college, against the 75 days of Internet suspension in Kashmir. I started believing in myself.
My parents helped me a lot too when I ran out of my savings. They even pledged money for my internship at Delhi with The Quint. It opened a world beyond Kochi. It was just amazing being in Delhi in the most crucial days of Indian democracy.
I saw it all, I was at Police HQ on the day police went on a rampage at Jamia.
From then on, I knew I was back. I knew I was reborn.
I will write about what I believe in.
Over and out.
RJ
